The current phrase in disputes involving
children after separation seems to be the phrase ‘child focused’. Clients are
constantly reminded to be child focused when thinking about arrangements for
the children. It can be difficult though to be child focused in highly
emotional times. Often parties think they are child focused when they are not.
This is by no means surprising. The time
when people are separating is the time when sane people do crazy things.
Peaceful citizens can turn into angry roaring lions [metaphorically speaking].
Imagine
the following scenario (totally fictitious)
Darren comes home early from work after
having had a beer or two with his work mates and his wife’s mobile telephone
beeps just as he walks in the front door. Without thinking he picks it up and
looks at it, the words ‘honey you have a message,’ frozen on his tongue as he
reads the rather private words of ‘can’t wait to be with you again’.
When he finds his voice he yells something
like ‘how long’s this bein goin on you slut?’ Language might even be stronger
than that but we do not want to offend readers.
She of course does not hold back either.
‘Who do you think you are snooping through
my phone? When was the last time I looked at your phone? That’s right. I don’t.
I respect your privacy. Do you even know what that is, or how to spell it? You
useless bastard. Come in here half drunk and expect to tell me what I can and
cannot do. When was the last time you listened to me or even looked at me or took
me serious?’ There is a pause as she snatches the phone away from him. ‘At
least Erik listens to me and appreciates me, which is more than I can say about
you.’
Taken aback Darren grabs a beer and heads
outside into his shed, seeking solace amongst the half naked woman plastered
all over his walls. At least they don’t talk back.
Days later Darren has moved out, after
Jenny his wife, locked him out. The police arrive and have to escort him off
the premises, giving him a stern warning not to make a nuisance of himself
again and not to threaten his ex wife and children.
Darren cannot believe it. It is his house.
He paid for it. What is she doing?
Now he wants to see the kids. They are ten
and eight.
‘Well, where are you living?’ Snaps Jenny
into the phone, juggling shopping, opening a door and kids fighting.
Scratching is head and other parts of his
body, Darren is reluctant to answer this.
‘What’s it to you?’ he says instead.
‘I want to know where the girls will be.’
Jenny does not even try to hide her impatience.
‘With me,’ replied Darren starting to get
irritated. The police have already been to see him once to warn him about his
behavior and language.
‘Yes, I know that,’ replies Jenny. ‘But
where will you be?’
“What is this the Spanish inquisition?’
Darren starts to pace the room of his small flat. He does not want Jenny to
know where he’s living. It’s the principle. And if he does not want to tell her
he won’t. He does not ask her where she’s been every second of the day, nor
where she went last weekend. He knows she was not at home.
Ten minutes later Darren hangs up on Jenny
muttering fucking bitch under his breath, hoping she has not heard him.
Another ten minutes later the police knock
on his door. Clearly she had heard him.
Several months later Darren spends
supervised time with his daughters at a contact centre and is trying to find
the ten thousand dollars his lawyer has asked him to pay into trust so he can
see his girls more.
Darren cannot understand the system or how
he, who used to be a hands on dad, has ended up where he is.
Analysis
Arguably neither Darren nor Jenny are
acting terribly child focused.
Jenny would have to accept that Darren is
the daughter’s father and needs to spend time with them.
If she has genuine fears about the girls
safety there would be things she could do, such as offer day time contact only
to start off with, until the parties perhaps had a chance to attend mediation
to sort out things like why does Jenny want to know where Darren is living and
why does he not want to tell her.
Equally Darren could be a bit more
proactive and instead of stalking Jenny and his daughters make sure he has
living quarters that are suitable for children. If he has a place where each
girl has her own room (and or they share a room), with their own bed and
clothing etc, there is really no reason why his ex wife cannot know where he
lives.
Both parties in this case have taken a
particular position without appreciating what their position is doing to their
children. They too are caught in their parents turmoil and probably trying to
work out how they fit into it.
Lessons
to be learned
The Family Court provides some useful
information to separating couples, including a form called a parenting
questionnaire, which you can find by clicking on this link.
You do not have to be at court to use this
form. If there is a dispute between you and your ex about the arrangements for
children you may find it useful to sit down and fill out the form to work out
what arrangements would be in the best interest of the children and what
arrangements would work.
You will see that the form asks things
like, ‘how far is it from work to the school the children attend, how do you
propose to look after them after school, will you need after school care,’ etc.
All practical things one needs to think about when making a proposal about the amount
of time one wants to spend with the children or if you want the children to
live with you.
The principles about matters the court has
to take into account when determining what is in the children’s best interest
can be found in section60CC of the Family Law act.
Remember, an agreement reached between you
and your ex [say by attending mediation] has to be better than an order by a
judge who will only ever see one piece of the 10,000 piece puzzle called your
family life.
For mediators around Melbourne try these
websites
And, if you are in a dispute with your ex about
the children, try and take a step back once in a while and see if both of you are acting in the
children’s best interest or if emotions are ruling the decision making.
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